The Adventures of Emily and The Coastie
by potter-reading-coastie
Summary: An adventure through as seen through the eyes of Emily and her friend The Coastie. It's a bit off the wall, and you might not understand it, but you should read it anyway. Rated T just in case.


THE ADVENTURES OF EMILY AND THE COASTIE

In a long and narrow room, adorned with onyx chandeliers, complete with black-flame candles, sat a man in his library. His face and body were scarred by his many voyages on the sea; he was a man twisted by time. He sat at an ornate desk, watching a complex series of read outs, an odd static noise cracking through the air around him. A woman burst into the room, sending splinters of what was once a door through the air.

The Coastie slowly looked up, an air of indifference on his face. A casual flick of his wand, and the door was back in place.

"Something I can help you with?" he asked dryly.

The woman was tall and imposing to most people, a fact that seemed to go unnoticed by him.

"You know damn well what I want Coastie! And I had better get it!" She snapped.

He sighed. "If I have told you once, I have told you many times. I will not control the fate of their lives. That is up to you."

"But I don't know what I want to do with them!" she whined.

"Come now, is that any way for a Dark Enchantress to act? You know, if Karmon was here, she'd be trying to usurp you in your weakness. You are indeed lucky I find it beneath me to mess with such trifles."

The Dark Enchantress thought to herself for a moment. "I have it! I shall let my faithful followers decide the fate of them!"

"Well then, the answer was with you all along dear Emily."

"I told you never to use my name!" she screamed, stalking from the room.

A hooded figure emerged from a dark corner of the room, black flames flickering in her eyes.

"You'd never guess how powerful she is by the way she acts." she breathed.

"I know Karmon, believe me, I know."

Outside, an explosion rocked the building….

Dust fell from the rafters of the Dark Library.

Karmon sighed. "What could she have blown up now?"

"Well if I had to hazard a guess, I would say it was probably was the plastic penguin that I left in the yard. I filled it with Erumpent Fluid you know." The grin on Coastie's scarred face was ear-to-ear.

"You do realize you probably just killed half her followers don't you? Wait, of course you did, otherwise you wouldn't be grinning." The grin on the Coastie's face grew even bigger.

Walking outside, Karmon found the Dark Enchantress cackling and covered in blood. She was standing at the edge of a deep crater.

Slowly, she turned to Karmon. "Did you know?" was her only question.

"Unfortunately, no I did not. If I had, I would have come to see the show."

The answer seemed to satisfy the Dark Enchantress as she turned, once again, to survey the destruction. "Pity, the reward would have been great if you were, in fact, responsible. I was beginning to have hope for you."

Just then, the Coastie appeared with a smile upon his face. "I see you found my Plastic Penguin, my Lady."

She turned to him. "Yes, I find myself feeling much better. Of course, now I shall have to find new followers but that is of little matter."

"I shall see what I can do. Anyways, I have received the reports from your followers. Your Suggestion Collector is working splendidly."

Karmon found herself inwardly smacking her forehead. "It is called a Poll Coastie. I cannot believe we have sunk to Muggle means to gain the real opinions of the followers."

"SILENCE!" hissed the Dark Enchantress. "I will not tolerate any ideas of dissention from any of my followers including you Karmon. CRUCIO!"

Karmon screamed and fell to the ground. The Coastie shook his head, retreating back into the Dark Library. "Karmon will learn one of these days…."

**-EATC-**

For the second time in as many days, the door was blasted off the Dark Library.

"Coastie, we have a minor problem. I shall require your knowledge to fix this problem."

Coastie looked over to the Dark Enchantress. "Alright, what have you done now? Accidentally killed too many followers or something?"

"Well, I didn't kill anybody per sé, but I might as well have."

"What do you mean you might as well have?"

"Follow me, and I'll show you."

Coastie followed the Dark Enchantress out of the library and up a few staircases to an unused part of the mansion. In a bedroom that was more suited to a house elf, he found Karmon in a small bed.

"And how exactly did she end up like this?" asked Coastie

She wouldn't meet his face. "Well, you know how I hit her with the Cruciatus yesterday and held it until you left? I think I may have held her under it for too long"

"What? How long did you hold it? She seems comatose."

She mumbled something, but he didn't understand it. "What? Speak up; I need to know so I can fix it."

The Dark Enchantress glared at Coastie, and then sighed. "Fine, I spaced out, okay? I think maybe half an hour to an hour."

Coastie sighed. "You're right." he said. "You might as well have killed her. There is no coming back from being held under the Cruciatus for more than five minutes. There is only one thing to do."

The Coastie turned around quickly, facing Karmon again. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

As the green light struck Karmon, both Coastie and the Dark Enchantress dropped to the floor…

**-EATC-**

When Emily woke up, she was lying on the floor, with two men who were out cold. One, she knew, the other, she did not. Her memory was pretty hazy as to how she got there.

"Coastie, wake up. I don't know where we are." she said, shaking him. "Come on… fine! ENERVATE!"

He finally began to stir and sat up. "How did we get here?"

"That's what I was trying to figure out."

She looked at the unknown man. Pointing at him she asked, "Think we should wake him?"

Coastie nodded and pointed him wand at him. "ENERVATE!"

The man sat up screaming. "WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I'm Coastie and this is Emily, we just want to know if you know how we got here, do you?"

He screamed "WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Emily leaned forward, talking in a gentle voice to him "Hey, we aren't going to hurt you. Come on, what's your name?"

Again a scream, "WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

She leaned back, rubbing her ears. "Okay, I don't think he is sane. Let's just call him Edward until we can get him some help."

Coastie nodded, "Okay, but how do we get Edward some help if we don't know where we are?"

Edward screamed again. "WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Does he do that every time a question is asked?"

"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"That answers that."

**-EATC-**

They had wandered around the strange house for an hour, Edward screaming the whole time.

"SILENCIO!"

Coastie turned around to see a girl striding towards him, she looked familiar but he didn't remember from where. "Coastie! I know you think it's amusing to curse people to only say one thing, but that is getting annoying!"

Apparently, Emily remembered who she was. "Ah Alesana, how fortunate. Would you mind telling us where the hell we are?"

Alesana looked dumbfounded. "Are you alright my Lady? We are in your Dark Fortress." She laughed as she said the last two words.

Emily scowled. "I think you had better start explaining."

Alesana laughed, and then started to explain. "It goes like this, Karmon and I thought it would be funny to charm you and Coastie into thinking you were a Dark Enchantress, and Coastie, a Dark Mage and for both of you to see what you wanted to see."

Coastie gasped, his memories returning "Oh my god! I AK'd Karmon!"

Emily screamed, and Alesana dropped to the floor laughing.

"You think killing someone is funny?"

Alesana managed to stop laughing long enough to say "You didn't kill her, but it does explain who he is.", while pointing at Edward.

Emily expressed her understanding of the situation. "Huh?"

"We gave you both dummy wands, charmed to only play pranks on whoever you cast a spell out. Looks like Karmon got more than she bargained for, though I think it's pretty funny. Let me just put her back to normal. FINITE!"

The only thing that changed was Edward being un-silenced, and being able to talk semi-coherently.

"WHAT! I am man, and supposed to be girl! You think this funny do you? I show you! You not mess with me again! I have powers only jumping beans dream of! Now, wipe me down with oil and float me down the Thames. I will be the most powerful duck the world has ever known. Also, I req..."

"SILENCIO!" Emily screamed. Edwards's lips kept moving. Apparently, he didn't realize he was silenced. "Yep, he is definitely out of his mind." she sighed.

Coastie gave him an appraising look. "Isn't HE supposed to be a SHE?"

Alesana burst out laughing again. "Karmon is a metamorphagus. Apparently, SHE actually IS a man. It's too funny!"

"OK, well then, let's get HIM to St. Mungo's to sort this all out."

All three people laughed and apparated away. Edward didn't seem to notice he was alone now. He began to silently berate the wall for its apparent injustice to him.

A few seconds later, Coastie reappeared. "Come on Stupid; Let's go get you back to normal."

-POP-

**-EATC-**

St. Mungo's was able to straighten Edward out for the most part. He still said random words and sentences every now and then. The weirdest thing, however, was his sudden love for muggle weapons and muggle things that could be used as weapons. And that was how, just a few days after being released from St. Mungo's, Edward came to meet a very famous person.

The smell of burnt oil and gasoline permeated the air as the engine roared to life. A two-stroke engine created the perfect symphony to Edward's ears.

As he hefted his chainsaw above his head, he shouted, "I see your sword, and raise you a chainsaw!"

Alesana looked a little pale. "Isn't that a bit much? I thought we just wanted to scare Jason, not kill him."

"True, but I'd rather chase him with a chainsaw. It's funny though, I thought you'd be into that."

"Oh, believe me, I am, just wanted to make sure we are on the same page."

Emily and Coastie looked at each other, and sighed in resignation. Emily speaking for both of them, "I guess it's not worth me telling you that we don't think this will help anything?"

Edward and Alesana were already out the door.

Jason wondered how he had gotten here. One moment, he was at his desk quietly working, and wondering if his date tonight would provide a better opportunity than Jennifer, or whatever her name was. Then, the next thing he knew, he was running for his life, from two insane people wielding swords with moving blades. He had made it to the street before tripping on the curb.

He was on his back, and the man was screaming at him. "You think you can be doing things and there be no punishment? Do you think you are greater than those who serve? What manner were you raised by? Answer me, and bow before my vengeancy doom!"

The girl spoke up. "Edward, let me talk, you're getting too excited."

He nodded, "Okeedokie, Alesanee!"

"Now then, Mr. Wright, who seems to do Wrong, I do hope we have your attention." She lowered the chainsaw closer to his face. "You see, walking out on a girl, is not a nice thing to do, and I think, you need a reminder not to do it again."

She started to move the chainsaw towards his groin, while Edward stood on his shoulder, preventing him from moving.

"STOP! Auror division!"

Edward looked up to see two men staring back at him. Ronald Weasley and none other than Harry Potter….

**-EATC-**

Emily leaned forward in her chair. She felt particularly bold for saying the things she had in the last half hour. Considering the fact that she was talking to the most respected person in the wizarding world, Harry Potter. "Remind me again, why the hell I'm here, I had nothing to do with what those two idiots got themselves into."

Harry sat back for a few seconds, looking both Emily and Coastie in the eyes. "Yes, well that does seem apparent now. We had just gotten some reports that you two might have known that the incident was going to happen, and didn't stop it. Thank you for your time, you both may go now."

Harry knew that they did, in fact, know about the incident before it happened, but he didn't care about it, he had gotten the information he wanted. He walked into the next interrogation room, where Ron was questioning the culprits.

Ron came out as he got there. "Harry! Where the hell have you been? These two nutters here have been driving me up a damn wall!"

"I was following up on a few leads, turns out this was in fact premeditated. And how exactly are they driving you up a wall?"

"Well the man is only talking in gibberish, and the woman will only say that 'He deserved it'. I can't get anything else out of them."

Harry gave Ron an amused look, and entered the room.

Edward screamed at him. "The one with snakes and emeralds shall come to smite you, with her most awesome vernacular powers if you do not release us at once! You shall rue the day you stopped my peanutty justice!"

Alesana chimed in. "Look, he deserved to have the crap scared out of him. What he did was wrong and he needed to be taught a lesson."

Harry sighed and started probing her with legillamancy. "So you weren't really going to hurt him, just scare him?"

"Yes." The legillamancy scan revealed she was telling the truth.

"Fine, I'm reducing your charges to Inciting Panic in a Public Place. You'll have to pay a fine, but then you two idiots can go. Now get out of my sight before I change my mind."…

**-EATC-**

Just because Edward had a run-in with the Aurors, it did not stop his love for his chainsaw. He liked to carry around, shrunken, in his pocket. For protection purposes, of course.

It was a few days later, when the four friends found their way to Diagon Alley to pick up some supplies.

Alesana sighed, "I still can't believe they hired you two for the posts of Transfiguration and Charms. They must be desperate."

Emily and Coastie looked at each other and shrugged.

"Emily is a natural at Charms … and if you don't stop scaring the little kids Edward, I will show you my skill at Transfiguration!"

Edward was hiding behind random objects and jumping out in front of families also here to purchase supplies.

"It's your fault Coastie, you didn't have to drag Alesana and I out here when the Alley is so full."

Emily piped up, "Well, we'll be done soon. Sooner, if you knock that stuff off."

She thought to herself. "Every time we take Edward anywhere, he makes a fool of himself. It must be nice to be able to embrace chaos like an old friend that you haven't seen in years. He isn't a very good influence on Alesana either. But who am I to stand in the way of love, they are pretty cute together. And I do adore them."

Alesana snapped around, "EXCUSE ME?"

Coastie leaned in and whispered in Emily's ear, "You were thinking out loud again, ahaha!"

Just then, Edward hid behind a barrel, waiting to jump out in front of a small, blond headed boy with his hair slicked back. Coastie saw this and tried to shout out.

"WAIT! Edward, that's…"

It was too late, he jumped out scaring the boy so bad he wet himself and started crying.

"… Scorpius Malfoy."

**-EATC-**

The next thing Edward saw was the red of a stunner barely missing his head. He turned around to see it coming from a much taller and older version of the child. He quickly pulled out his chainsaw, enlarged it, and started it in one fluid motion. "YOU!"

Emily sighed, "Oh boy, here we go again."

Alesana had a different opinion. "Get him Eddie!"

Coastie didn't have an opinion to share. He was too busy rolling on the ground laughing so hard it hurt.

As Edward ran around chasing Draco Malfoy with a chainsaw, many people fled the alley, fearing for their lives. Edward cut the sign for Magical Menagerie in half while he was running with the chainsaw above his head. He also managed to destroy a push cart, two windows, and a door before suddenly taking a stunner to the back.

"We really should stop meeting like this guys." Said a voice from behind the three friends.

As they all whipped around, they saw intensely burning, green eyes.

Coastie spoke for all of them, "Shit."


End file.
